Tuesday, February 18, 2014

On the {surface}

Sometimes when I dunk my head into the ocean water beneath me, I can see. I can see objects, little sparks of sea life rushing underneath me. I cherish these times- I love to have the gulf as clear as glass; enabling me to see the crabs before I step on them and get pinched; enabling me to see the sand dollars and gather them before these little treasures get swept away in another wave; enabling me to see the seaweed and the jellies before I get stung and uncomfortable. The clarity is beautiful.

But sometimes when I dunk my head into the ocean water beneath me, I cannot see.  The water gets murky and I get pinched by crabs and stung by jellies. The current gets strong and I cannot see where it is leading me. The water gets dark and every shadow is assumed to be a monstrous animal awaiting my arrival. In this unclarity, panicking becomes instinct. I feel as though I am drowning and I am unsure of how this current is going to ever lead me to safety. I want the jellies to stop stinging and the seaweed to stop entangling my limbs- and I want to be comfortable again.

There is one life that I used to be comfortable in where I could see everything clearly; therefore enabling me to plan the perfect American Christian dream life. I could see the treasures I wanted and I could take those opportunities before they were swept away. I could plan to go to college, and become wealthy, and get married to the perfect husband, and have my own perfect children, and go to a church with perfect people. I could see the notoriously harmful people and choices and I could avoid them before I got stung and uncomfortable. Jesus was part of this perfect life. The clarity was beautiful... On the surface.

Then I asked Jesus to be more than just a part of my life- I desired Him to be The Lord of my life. So now sometimes I look to try and see what my future will be. The view gets murky, and I am surrounded by people and experiences that pinch and sting my heart. The pull between me and Jesus gets strong, and I cannot see where He is leading me or the path it will take to get there. The view gets blurred and every turn there is evil desperately trying to attack me. In this unclarity, panicking is instinct. I feel as though I am drowning, and I am unsure how God will ever lead me to safety. I want the people to stop stinging and the sin to stop trying to entangle my heart- and I want to be comfortable again. But I am a new creation, and Jesus is transforming my heart and replacing my fleshly instincts with His. In this sanctification, I am promised that in the midst of this unclarity, He is good. He has a plan. He knows what is next even when I cannot see. I trust Him. I truly do. I trust Jesus, and I do not want to be comfortable ever again.

Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity.
Sweet Jesus Christ, my clarity.

Right now one of the most apparent areas where I am trusting Jesus in my life is in my trip to Haiti- oh, how He is teaching me. I have been planning to take this trip to Haiti to spend a month working in a very remote premature baby medical clinic in NW Haiti. I will be delivering babies, caring for babies, and learning more and more about the Father's heart. However, the dates have changed 3 times in the last couple of days and I am currently awaiting an email from the host missionaries who live in the NW to confirm the dates so I can book my plane ticket (I have a 24 hour reservation for my ticket).... And the internet in the NW (and many parts of Haiti) is very spotty so connection and communication is rare. So I am trusting Jesus in His timing. 

This trip to Haiti requires not only the costs of flying, but also living somewhere for about 6 weeks. Along with this, I will be working at a medical clinic that could definitely use more supplies and medicines, which are expensive but life-saving. I am trusting Jesus to provide. 

This trip is also completely His doing. I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a teacher. I don't even have a college degree. I don't even have a high school diploma for that matter. I am 17. I am not a lot of things, but I have Jesus in my heart and He keeps telling me that is enough. So I am trusting Jesus with my unpreparedness. 

Although it may seem crazy, and unconventional, and totally frightening, I am telling you, trusting Jesus with your life plans is far better than trying to do this yourself. This life that He has created for me {and you} is beautiful, even when 
clarity seems to have vanished. 

James 4... Read it. 

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