Monday, June 30, 2014

weak yet {chosen}

The truth is I am incredibly weak.  I am human and therefore have limitations and shortcomings that can only be reversed by a God "big enough to cope with all my hang ups and insecurities". I've known it for a while now but I was reminded today as my body lay unconscious in a seat in my living room.

I decided it would be a good idea to renew my CPR certification seeing as I am going to be in the middle of nowhere, Haiti for six weeks working in medical clinics and in extreme weather.  So this morning I started my online course for CPR/AED/Adult & Pediatric First Aid.  By 3 pm I was just two lessons away from being done with the online portion and about an hour and a half from having to go to the American Red Cross National Headquarters to complete my classroom assessment.  The first six lessons had been fine and informative.  However, by the beginning of my seventh lesson on wounds and excessive bleeding, I started to feel dizzy.  So I sat back and closed my eyes hoping it would pass and I could resume completing my course... In my world, I had shut my eyes, fallen asleep, and dreamed a full-length dream.  Little did I know that only a minute had passed when I woke up confused and panicked over the fact that I had passed out and was now unable to hear because my ears were ringing.  My parents helped me regain my normal temperature and "wake up" from my dizzy existence.

Once my physical needs were met, I was completely overwhelmed with my emotional disappointment of what had just happened.  I was upset because "what kind of person can possibly deliver babies and lead a medical clinic when they can't even watch glass cut through a person's arm?" and "how is God ever going to use me to help people when I'm the one passed out?" and "I'm seventeen, and I shouldn't be a coward anymore."  

But let Him ask in faith without doubting.  For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  James 1:6-7

I cried out to God and asked for strength- for trust to be able to get out of my pit of human weakness and doubt.  And He reminded me that I am weak, and in desperate need of Him... but He can still use me.  In fact, He can use me more effectively when I'm in this humble place of "God, I literally cannot do this unless You step in and take control."  And in this place, He gets all the glory.

Some may call it irresponsible, some may call it foolish, but I am trusting my Jesus to come through. I'm trusting that He will use this to further His kingdom, and He will use me in Haiti.  While I may be weak, vulnerable, and perhaps unprepared, I have a God who is strong, redeeming, and He knows the plans that I can't see.  So I am looking forward to what my Father has planned for me, and I am trusting that He will provide all that I need- physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Countdown to Haiti: 10 days!

For the record, I did get my course done and I am officially certified!  Praise Jesus!

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.  Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Saturday, June 14, 2014


Over the past couple of months, I think Jesus has been molding and transforming my idea of home.  I've been told most of my life that home is where the Air Force sends you, and for my family, this statement appears to be true. I was born in South Carolina, then I moved to England, California, Norway, Arizona, Ohio, Washington, Florida, and now we've been stationed in DC.  I will spend 4 weeks here, 6 weeks in Haiti, and then I will make my third move this summer to Chicago for school.  My extended family is from the panhandle of Florida, my facebook says I'm from Stavanger, Norway, and in all actuality I feel more at home on mission trips in third-world countries than I do in America. On scholarship and college applications, I've been asked multiple times where my home town is- I usually write "undecided".

But now I know- I know where my home is; my permanent residence is in Heaven. My desire for permanence will not be satisfied on this Earth, and I am trying to live like I know this.  I no longer have to plan my life, I no longer have to waste money on comforts that won't last, and I no longer have to worry about how trying and dreary this place can be.  I know the trouble is here, I know and expect trial and strife and pain.  But I also look forward to the strength found in my Jesus and how He prepares me for the battle.  Heaven is coming, and I am getting ready.  This is simply my temporary home.